Things She Taught Me….
Relationships are all about learning, each day that we spend day together unravels a series of realizations, things which we realize about ourselves and emotions- justifiable and unjustifiable, reasonable and unreasonable- which we never thought we were capable of and it’s not just about her or me, it’s about us. What we say, what we feel, what we realize when we look deep inside ourselves that makes us know about each other, about the indelible bond that we share, about us. What I was, what I will be, I don’t know but what I become when I am with her, is all that matters to me and sometimes I can’t help but be proud of the perfect love which she gave to me. And I know in this world where nothing is what it seems like, it is this belief and pride of mine that will make this union a beautiful one because nothing could ever be beautiful if you don’t think of it to be.
Every day, each moment, I learn, I feel something new. I used to believe once in the unconditional love and all the stupid notions which a lot of stupid people have preached but now I just know human love could never be unconditional. But yes I do have a hope that maybe someday when both of us would have fulfilled most of each other’s desires then maybe we will end up loving each other just for the sake of loving for this love is what that has redeemed both of us. And I learned that love isn’t in the roses or blooms that you may buy for each other, love lies in those moments when you went out of the way and begged to the florist to give you an extra rose bud, love lies in the moments when she has to come up with an incomprehensible story just so she could keep the flowers in her living room, love lies in that one smile that she gave me and love lies in that underlying happiness that I knew she felt but never showed. Love lies in those distance that we walked, love lies in those moments when we held each other’s hand, love lies in the steps she took despite of herself just to please me, love lies in tears which my words often bring to her eyes, love lies in the longing which often fills our heart and love lies everywhere in each gap and in each of our breath.
I learnt to understand though she would beg to differ but then when you have lived your entire life for yourself; it often gets difficult to see a point other than the one that you are making. And yes now I can say I have grown for now I know how to live my life for someone else and even though money can never buy love but every now and then it could be spend to make the people you love happy. It’s not the gifts that you buy for flowers and chocolates and stuff can never last forever for when your flowers have all crumbled down and roses have become a part of some book even then your love will bloom. But yes, once in a while, it doesn’t hurt to do things that would end up taking her breath away like a kiss on a rainy day, underneath the blue sky, on a wide open road for kisses such as these would always linger even when your lips have parted and you are no longer with each other. And it’s not for her to let her guard down and feel carefree but it’s you who have to provide her with this feeling, it’s you who have to take her mind, heart and soul away, it’s you who have to possess for hearts beat a lot better when they are possessed.
And I learnt nothing could ever beat the feel of cool breeze on your skin on a rainy day and nothing could beat eating corn while sitting breathtakingly close on a moving bike and nothing could beat the feel of holding that corn so that she have her bite and nothing could beat the feel which you get when she all of a sudden ends up telling you about some long forgotten liaison and all you want to do is to stab yourself to death with the very same corn and then you close your eyes and all you can see is her face and all you can smell is her sweet fragrance and then past simply seems irrelevant for you know it’s not the past but rather the moment which matters and besides no one can stab themselves to death with a corn.
And that is not all I have learnt but yeah now I do know, the best moments are not the one which you plan for, best moments are the ones which happen by themselves, best moments are the ones where you just go with the flow, best moments are the one where you stop in the middle of the street and pluck flowers, best moments are the ones when you slip an innocent and childish flower ring into her finger.
The Song of My Lips
So many roads that we took
So many roads that we walked
So many times when our mind went blank
So many times there were no thoughts
And today these raindrops splatter against our faces
Soaking each and every corner of our soul
And now when our love has ridden the wheels of desire
I wait for the moment when you would come and make me whole.
So many words that never escaped our hearts
So many things which we left unsaid
So many emotions that we went onto suppress
So many nights when we tossed and turned in our beds
And today when I stood amidst these tides
Unbecoming unraveling untying the desire with my fingertips
And now when we have came along so many miles
I know it was not our lips but rather the moments that defined the kiss.
The Rains That I Hate
The story it goes on again
Playing same on this side and next
The books which I left unclosed
Now my life seeps through those pores
And I exist somewhere in these gaps
Somewhere between your smiles
Like a puppet swinging by these threads
And I now live just to see another day
Hoping to find you in these streets
Waiting for the moment when you would cross my way.
These clouds want to bleed again tonight
I plead to the heavens to at least wait
Until I find a perfect place to conceal my tears and hide
Now for the first time I hate this rain
For these raindrops washed away
Your sweet intoxicating smell
And now I live to see just another day
When you would be with me
Lost, in my embrace.
Story That Never Begin..
A broken chair, a friend and an unlighted cigarette
Somewhere away I stared far in the distance
Through the rain and billowing winds
I saw a lot in life as it was blown away with the smoke.
Tonight clouds have encompassed again this desert town
And the dunes wait for the heavens to finally pour
But I can’t wait for these sand storms to stop now
For tonight is the night when I have finally found my home
A lonely lantern, a solemn heart and a dream of a lifetime
Somewhere hidden in these skies is a place
Where they say all your dreams come true
And I found that place finally when I fell in love with you
Song of Broken Dreams
Oh, Father of the fair wind
Take my soul to those distant fields
Place where the songbird sings
Songs of an unbroken dream
Walking through the rain, sometimes I cried
Tears of remorse and blatant lies
Some place where I could run and hide
Away from the piercing shards of this shattered life
Sometimes when I look up, I find
Clouds of past filling the sky
This is when I close my eyes
Hiding the tears of my broken life
Sometimes when I woke alone
Like a traveler lost in the midnight fog
Searching for my last vestige of hope
It’s then I hear the songbird sing
Songs of loneliness and broken dreams.
Life, Rain and Heart Breaks
I saw the clouds rolling in today, covering the sky with a shade of evanescent black and infatuating the air with a sweet intoxication. A promise of cooler days hung in the air as they unrolled covering the entire landscape with a whitest of white sheet and all that remained of the glorious sunshine and what would have been a glorious day was just a insouciant and procrastinating feeling, a deliverance from the drudgery and hustle bustle of life as all the so unfulfilled commitments and promises were washed away to join the muck and toads in the overflowing gutter. I stared at rain and there was deep longing inside of me, longing which would have otherwise infused in me an infinite sense of melancholy but all that I wanted to do know was to wrap myself in a blanket and sip through a glass of hot chocolate. Had my dad been at home he would have cried out loud for a cup of tea along with some deep fried savories but with him falling prey to finance minister’s loan waiver policy all I had to comfort myself was a cup of almost milky white tea with enough cardamom, ginger and pepper to cook a gourmand meal, it’s for your throat son that’s what my mom said to dupe me into drinking that heady concoction. Rain always had a way to make me sad, perhaps it’s because of claustrophobia and the poignancy of being holed up in my house but then rain or no rain I am almost always holed up in my house, perhaps it’s not my loneliness rather a sense lovelessness that these clouds infuse into me, perhaps it’s the warmth of someone body against that of mine that I want to feel. It’s been like years since I last felt that warmth, sitting all cuddled up with fingers entwined and staring at the vast open sky, drenched in the silence of words with emotions running high, perhaps this is what rain means to me and this what it’s reminiscent of.
I sat there staring at that thick curtain, with a garden snake, two centipedes and a toad for company, holding on to my mug of tea for warmth and crying silently hoping for these heavenly ablutions to wash away my pain. Rain is excruciatingly hard for loners but sometimes pain is all you need to remind you of the wrongs you have done in life and believe me don’t ever let go of the love if you ever find some in your life for I know what it feels to walk in the rain to disguise the tears in your eyes
if it rains
If it rains
Clouds would not be the one to bleed alone tonight
You have always loved the rain
I remember the way you used to jump in puddles and splash water
Rain always lend your eyes a glint of mischief
Rain made you wild
I remember the moments when we walked through the rain
Holding each other’s hand
You always loved the rain and I loved you
I remember the last time when we met
It was raining that day
I walked four blocks in the rain to get you the carnations that you loved
I saw you standing, all drenched up
There was rain in your hairs and you looked sad
There was no mischief in your eyes and the water on your cheeks wasn’t raindrops
It was tears
I looked at you and you outstretched your palm to hand me back the ring I have given you
I don’t remember what you said nor do I remember the reasons that you gave me
But I do remember the carnations
As they changed their color to muddy brown from white lying there in the puddle
And I remember watching you go as your silhouette faded with the rain
I sat there for a long time trying to recollect whatever there was to
And that day it was not the clouds that only wept
It was me who cried with them.
It hasn’t rained since then but the clouds have returned
And I sit here watching them unroll
Waiting for the rain to come down and wash away my tears.
