The Cruse of The Crisis
If I was to ever come with a list of things which I said but shouldn’t have said, well lists are girly so I am not actually ever going to come up with one and seriously I never could understand people obsession with them. My dad is like the forbearer of all list-makers like with him everything has to be listed and well planned out. Shopping list, to do list, not to do list, people to meet list, people not to meet list, places to be list, trains to catch list, routes to take during peak hours list, routes to avoid during peak hours list and over and above the packing list. Well keeping aside the intentional exaggeration, why something’s need to be so damn organized, why for once we simply can’t forget say a toothbrush or a pair of socks or a pair boxers while going on a journey, why can’t we for once forget to pick up ketch up from our latest excursion to the departmental store and why for once can’t we forget the keys and leave certain doors locked? Why we have to be perfect, why do we have to jot down everything and stick all those teeny tiny post-its everywhere and for crying out loud God, the almighty, gave us brain, with storage capacity that could even put a thousand Time Capsules to shame, so why can’t we for once remember things without actually making a note of them? Well my girlfriend who actually thinks of me to be a person, now that’s a debatable issue for I have been directly or indirectly been called a Dog like a zillion times but anyways she thinks of me to be a person, wow I just can’t over the sound of it, she actually thinks of me to be person and not a jerk though I kind of know that it must have taken nothing short of an herculean effort from her. But again all these overly exaggerated digressions apart she did think of me to be a person whose memory could even challenge that of rocks though these weren’t her exact words for not everyone is not blessed with the eloquence and verbosity to put what all that is in their hearts or mind or wherever into words but still this is what she must have meant when she asked me a cure for of her forgetfulness.
If only I could have told her how cursed the people like me are for we are the ones who can’t forget, who can’t move on, who can’t let go and we are the people whom the time chose as custodians, remembering and never forgetting even the slightest of transgressions or slips of tongue or insolence. And yes right now I really want to forget, close my eyes and go to sleep for I can’t fight her memories which seem to running, rummaging and melting in every corner of my mind. I want to forget the sad truth that she isn’t with me right now and I want to forget myself for that’s the only way I could ever bring myself to not miss her and really I want to forget the rain that’s beating against my window sill. And I am sitting here in this room, watching Optimus Prime battling it out against the Decepticons and really right now I feel like Optimus Prime or at least I feel like the way he would have felt when Megatron went onto pierce his heart and in this battle of mine, the Megatron is called the Crisis.
It took Sam Witwicky, a journey back and forth to the Transformers heaven before he could bring Optimus back to life but as far as my life goes it would take exactly 11 days for the curse of the Crisis to lift and till then I just wish to be a teeny tiny transformer who sitting on her table top or may be lying in her purse would at least get to feel the touch of her hand and smell her intoxicating fragrance and listen to her mellifluous voice as she chatter her way around the whole day.
Death, Life and Fighting Back
Some days back my friend asked me, if at any point in my life I have felt like giving it all up and embrace death for all the tranquility and peace it exudes. Though her words were not as eloquent as mine and she might have just been trying to prick me with this notion or may be an argument with her best friend over which dress to wear might have sparked this chain of thoughts. But that apart, her question actually got me thinking as to why people with perfect lives need to bother themselves with such notions; may be because it’s only these people with perfect lives who can entertain such conventions or perhaps because there isn’t anything perfect as far as this life is concerned. I didn’t need to ask myself if I had ever considered death as an escape route, as an exit strategy may be but never had I thought of death as something peaceful or something delivering. More so because I am too disillusioned by the way things around in this life that all my hopes for finding salvation in the one after this are already shattered beyond repair. I would rather prefer to stand up and fight each time this life tries to pull a Waterloo on me because I believe that you don’t get to bow down and surrender when this life is throwing its best punches at you. When life throws something at you, you stand up and throw it back. So what if I ended up losing every other person I loved in life, that’s not the reason enough for me to stop looking for love, maybe I am just fooling myself by hoping to find love in the arms of some stranger, maybe by the time I do find love my heart would be so broken that there won’t be much left of it but I am not going to settle for the crumbs that this life throws at me. I am going to stand up, dust off my bottom, and look it in the eye and fight because some of us are destined to fight against our own destiny and it is in this recalcitrance, defiance and un-acceptance that I choose to live my life.
We wake up each day, battle the cold, sleet, rain or sunshine and we make choices at each step, choices which no one else can make and it’s is these choices that make us unique. Some of us may choose to accept life as it comes , some of us can make peace with our pasts and for some of us past doesn’t even matter but ultimately all of us have to choose our own addictions and it is in this defiance I happen to find mine. May be it’s my hope that I have already faced the worse that keeps me going and it’s not that I don’t love peace and this relative solace and it feels really nice to stop and look around once in a while but ultimately I have to get up and move along, taking with me what I could and leaving behind just a trail.
To pin your hopes on death is like pinning your hopes on what will lie beneath a darkened cave, it would be like trying to find light in the darkness or putting all your hopes on the hopelessness. We all have messed up in life, we all have made mistakes but whether you choose to live in past for the sake of your future or you live for the present, whether you choose to accept what you have or you go chasing an utopian dream, either ways always try to live life on your terms. Like my friend said, look back if you have to but don’t regret because no one can ever make the choices you have made and no one can ever be you.
Lost Without You
It was like any other day
When I happen to throw it all away
Now I search for it along every road
But without love this life seems so cold
What I gave up, I can never know
For death seems like life without a soul
But if I could go back and make things right
And put into words all that’s hidden inside
Perhaps then both of us can move on with our respective lives
For we could no longer walk together along these roads
And without each other it’s our destiny, to be lost
The Year of Reclamation
Four more days and this year as well will come to an end, was this year any different from all 23 of its counterparts that I have lived through is the question that I find myself facing. One thing that I realized in all these intervening years is years always seem to pass more quickly than the days, my graduation party seems to be just a moment ago but what I did last night seems to be a part of some ancient memory perhaps because my days are so filled with inconsequential chores bound together by a rhythm of repetitiveness that even a slightest break from routine ends up forming a major crux of memory. But sometimes I think that life is nothing but a routine, we all move in tandem as the music of life plays on and perhaps that is why we all have an inherent desire to break free, to be different.
Another thing which I realized was despite being a rogue, I was still a wolf and wolves always belong to a pack, no matter how much I want to run away at the end of the day it is this society that I have to return to and no matter how much I try to alienate myself and be different from people, I have realized that I am still awfully like everyone else. Perhaps, because differences are all relative and despite of being like everyone else it’s the way I maintain my individuality that makes me different. It did took me a long time but I finally realized the similarity between loneliness and the self imposed exodus that I had condemned myself to for what we all may call as solitude is nothing more than an euphemism that we use to describe our ineptitude or incapacity to relate with people.
Friendship is probably the most important and easiest to forge relationship and this probably is one of the most useful of all lessons that I learnt this year. I found new friends and that too in people with whom I had no inkling with, people who have been around me for as long as I can remember but whom owing to my attitude or rather arrogance got to know in the previous few months. I think we always anyways end up knowing people whom we are meant to be with, no matter how weird and implausible the acquaintance may seem to be and as far as my experience with this life goes, I have realized that the number of people whom you can be with at a time always remains the same. Perhaps because everything comes at a price and what you may chose goes a long way in deciding what people you stay with or move away from and if only we can control whom to let in and whom to let go and more importantly when to let go then perhaps we can go to live a much more contented and a happier life.
This year I finally realized the importance one’s past plays in his life, I realized moving on is perhaps the easiest thing to do but to look your past in the eye and to imbibe all the lessons learnt from it, is probably the toughest thing to do. Finally this year, I was once again able to coax my heart into falling in love and that too again with a person whom I could never be with but perhaps an unrequited heart is better than a broken one and who knows somewhere down the line she may as well end up feeling the same things for me. This year has been all about a rebirth, a reincarnation where I did things in the most uncharacteristic of all manners from sharing a house with 3 other of my friend to actually loving them all despite of all their proclivities and delinquencies, from trying to be metrosexual and looking like a girl to once again embracing black and blues and still looking like a girl, from trying to be what I want to being what I am, from loving to losing and loving despite of losing.
This year, I could finally say I have grown for now adolescence seems to me like childhood and now that I have finally learnt how make a perfect coffee and that too in a microwave instead of a coffee maker, I could say for sure that I have lost all the naivety that once I very much loved. Unfinished businesses are as well something which I have grown to love more so because I know someday I will be walking these roads again, these unfinished businesses and the things which I could have said but never said will make me come back and look for people whom I have left but till then I would rather wander along these paths of life, meeting and falling in love with people whom I get to walk these roads with for love is the most important of all emotions that I have reclaimed in the past one year and now that I know what being in love is, I have realized that love is what makes this life bearable and worth living.
My New Friend and Strangeness of CyberWorld
“Distances are good, without distances no one can relate.” This was the phrase which my moral science teacher really emphasized on all through my tenth standard though I think it was a part of her personal vendetta to keep boys away from girls, perhaps she thought all those excruciatingly endless lectures about morality and chastity would possibly placate a teenager and his raging hormones. But I guess somewhere deep down those words did have an effect, for as we were ushered into an era of internet chatting so dominated by Yahoo Messenger and alter egos, we realize what a great thing these distances were, for once we became what we always wanted to be, so bespectacled and hiding behind a veil of anonymity and make believe Varun mitra became the DareDevil though sadly, this daredevil never found his JLo or Jennifer Garner for that matter. Distances emboldened us, in a way that we never ever perceived, more often than not giving words to the heart content or all those long suppressed emotions of ours, perhaps all those intervening miles and kilometers gave us courage to say things to people without so much of an imminent danger of getting kicked in your shins or balls. The phase didn’t last that long for me more so because I always found it quite repulsive to talk about my life story and fantasies with complete strangers when I couldn’t even confide in my friends and somewhere down the line when I got to taste the real wares, a lot of kinkiness that used to float around the internet, simply stopped appealing to me. Though I read and heard quite a lot about how easy it is to confide in people whom you don’t know, perhaps because people who don’t know you, can’t probably come back to hurt you and devoid of all your personal histories you can paint whatever you want on an empty canvas but it did took me a long time to open up with people whom I never have known but once I did it felt like a deliverance as I unburdened my soul to a person whom I never knew and though after 3 days and 9 hours of chat history between us, I still have no idea what she is like apart from what I have learnt from my observations but like it happened last night when my beliefs about a valence electron being the paired one were scattered, so much for my love of physics and chemistry, I have decided to refrain from any further deductions. I do know a few tit bits about her, like she lost her entire music collection and she could sketch better than any person I ever have met and she believes that men and women are from same planet earth shattering my belief that I came in a space ship from Krypton and she do have beautiful friend and I still couldn’t believe I told her this but we men are imbeciles always finding beauty in girls other than the one who would talk to us, perhaps our forefathers were the only ones to think straight when they came up with this whole marriage thing for if you can’t bring yourself to appreciate the noose around your neck then you have sadly landed yourself in a quandary and that too for life. There isn’t a thing we haven’t talked about from bitching about boys and their propensities (though now I felt sorry bad mouthing about my own brother’s under the sun and no, I am not gay) to clothing and teddy bears and it did felt kind of fun talking to her but as we signed off I asked myself a question as to how much more I need to know before I start trusting her and there was no answer because I already did.
Placing my trust in a complete stranger, who isn’t all that strange after all though she like to wear a skull cap just for the heck of it, seems like I could finally do away with my shrink and my rusty and old trusted armor, perhaps the world would turn out to be a bad-bad place and I’ll put it on again but till then, so long. Finally a word of advice, never use distances or telephones as a means for breaking up, though it may appear convenient and relatively easy but sometimes it pays to be a man and owe up for your actions and once you break up, never look back, no matter how gratifying the makeup sex is proclaimed to be because once the sodden sheets and weariness of your lovemaking starts to give way to acuity, even the most inconsequential of your peccadilloes could be held against you and believe me, if you are being dumped that’s not the end of world, so let the razors and knives be what they are meant for and move on because life is too short to be wasted on tears.
I am in Love and I can Feel it in My Toes
I am in love and it took me several antacids and a doctor to figure out that the tingling feeling at the bottom of my stomach isn’t heartburn but rather a heartache. It’s been quite a time, if I remember correctly and seriously once you grow past your twenties the amount of baggage you lunge around everyday can become overwhelming but yeah despite of all this it still is quite a loving feeling to feel though tragically for me, this loving feeling never makes it pass a week or a fortnight at a maximum. It wasn’t always this way for I remember when I was in tenth standard I was in love with the same girl and that too for the entire term though I think her blonde hairs and her cavalier attitude towards sex, kind off accounted for my self-imposed monogamy though monogamy and singlehood doesn’t sound quite right when said in the same breath. I don’t two time girls, far from it, actually I don’t even date that regularly, the last time I went on a full-fledged date was when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were still married though there have been several quickies with a stroll in the park or a night out in a pub which sadly ended with a severe hangover and the worst part was I didn’t even drink. It’s not that I am aversive to female company or commitment of any form and to tell you truth I am seriously giving this whole marriage thing a serious thought though I haven’t made it quite past the honeymoon but that’s completely a different matter, the point here is I kind of feel rather incapable of loving and why, if my personal shrink that is me is to be believed because of my very own trust issues but then almost all of us who have been subjected to an almost daily dose of don’t trust the stranger advice from our parents, have these issues. I think it’s more to do with the fact that I have really some really high standards when it comes to love and once the initial high gives away and my brains starts to kick in, I almost always realize that the feeling I am experiencing has nothing to do with love, it’s nothing more than an attraction and I can’t walk around and live my life chasing infatuations forever and this is when I start being objective, I start thinking about an end and the things that I want, forgetting that sometimes infatuations give way to deeper and more fulfilling feelings, feelings like love. Sometimes I realize, even before knowing that person that she isn’t the one for me and this happens almost every time I am in love so the girl never knows about me and goes on to happily date some other guys and I too move on but sometimes it do hurt to know that what could have been mine couldn’t be with me because of me and my incapability’s.
As for the love that I have for this girl, I will get over it and she too will go on to live her life without me pretty much oblivious of the feelings that she aroused in me albeit for a very meager amount of time and this story like all others will as well have an happy ending with me falling for some other girl with long hairs and white skin and glasses and as for her I think, you could probably guess for yourself.
