The Cruse of The Crisis
If I was to ever come with a list of things which I said but shouldn’t have said, well lists are girly so I am not actually ever going to come up with one and seriously I never could understand people obsession with them. My dad is like the forbearer of all list-makers like with him everything has to be listed and well planned out. Shopping list, to do list, not to do list, people to meet list, people not to meet list, places to be list, trains to catch list, routes to take during peak hours list, routes to avoid during peak hours list and over and above the packing list. Well keeping aside the intentional exaggeration, why something’s need to be so damn organized, why for once we simply can’t forget say a toothbrush or a pair of socks or a pair boxers while going on a journey, why can’t we for once forget to pick up ketch up from our latest excursion to the departmental store and why for once can’t we forget the keys and leave certain doors locked? Why we have to be perfect, why do we have to jot down everything and stick all those teeny tiny post-its everywhere and for crying out loud God, the almighty, gave us brain, with storage capacity that could even put a thousand Time Capsules to shame, so why can’t we for once remember things without actually making a note of them? Well my girlfriend who actually thinks of me to be a person, now that’s a debatable issue for I have been directly or indirectly been called a Dog like a zillion times but anyways she thinks of me to be a person, wow I just can’t over the sound of it, she actually thinks of me to be person and not a jerk though I kind of know that it must have taken nothing short of an herculean effort from her. But again all these overly exaggerated digressions apart she did think of me to be a person whose memory could even challenge that of rocks though these weren’t her exact words for not everyone is not blessed with the eloquence and verbosity to put what all that is in their hearts or mind or wherever into words but still this is what she must have meant when she asked me a cure for of her forgetfulness.
If only I could have told her how cursed the people like me are for we are the ones who can’t forget, who can’t move on, who can’t let go and we are the people whom the time chose as custodians, remembering and never forgetting even the slightest of transgressions or slips of tongue or insolence. And yes right now I really want to forget, close my eyes and go to sleep for I can’t fight her memories which seem to running, rummaging and melting in every corner of my mind. I want to forget the sad truth that she isn’t with me right now and I want to forget myself for that’s the only way I could ever bring myself to not miss her and really I want to forget the rain that’s beating against my window sill. And I am sitting here in this room, watching Optimus Prime battling it out against the Decepticons and really right now I feel like Optimus Prime or at least I feel like the way he would have felt when Megatron went onto pierce his heart and in this battle of mine, the Megatron is called the Crisis.
It took Sam Witwicky, a journey back and forth to the Transformers heaven before he could bring Optimus back to life but as far as my life goes it would take exactly 11 days for the curse of the Crisis to lift and till then I just wish to be a teeny tiny transformer who sitting on her table top or may be lying in her purse would at least get to feel the touch of her hand and smell her intoxicating fragrance and listen to her mellifluous voice as she chatter her way around the whole day.
Questions- That never were asked
How to act when you are meeting your would be brother in law for the first time or how not to stupidly grin and for a change have an intelligent conversation with him?? Speaking of intelligent conversation, the last time I had one was with my girlfriend though at that time she wasn’t my girl friend and I ended up staring blatantly at her face. More so because she chose to dress up like a Barbie that day and with cheeks so pink and hair so ravishingly long, even demigods would have stopped in their tracks to adore her. Speaking of dressing up, I now kind of know for sure that this is something that runs in her family because the moment I stood next to her brother, I felt grossly underdressed in my tattered jeans and sweaty t-shirt. But then it doesn’t usually take much to make me feel underdressed and her brother was dressed resplendently in shirt and trousers with belt and shoes with socks. Dressing and under dressing apart, the one thing that I realized though much later in the rendezvous and that was to never have a conversation about technology and mobile computing, especially when all you have done is chase around girls and sleep through three years of your post graduation.
Well, we met all three of us and what happened isn’t much of a consequence now more so because nothing much actually happened. I went there expecting a volley of questions and I was all revved up with explanations and all I wanted to do was to convince him of the love that I have for her sister but instead all I got was a pair of really calculating eyes. I can’t blame him though and maybe the word of her sister was enough to convince him of the love that both of us share and maybe he was there to just see for himself how good her sister choice is. At some point in our conversation he did ask me something that actually took me by surprise and that was as to what I think about him. Now there are people you don’t need to have an opinion about, there are people whom you can do without being friends with and expecting love from people whom I happen to be in love with and giving and expecting indifference from everyone else, is the way I live my life. But then love is all about going where you never have been, meeting all those you have never met before and loving all that you never have loved. So yes someday I will have an opinion about him but till then I am happy to look through her eyes and believe whatever she tells me.
And it all ended pretty soon and I walked back home with a lot of unsaid and unexpressed feelings and it was then I realized that I was the one supposed to be running the show but then I have never loved anyone this much before to actually bother meeting their family and try to make an impression. And now I think as long as she is convinced of the love that I feel for her, I don’t need to make an effort and convince anyone else because people who love you can actually sense the conviction in your voice and that’s all I think her brother was looking for.
And now I live my life in a flux, expecting the unexpected, going where the love takes me, saying whatever my heart conjures up and dreaming each moment of time when both of us would be together forever. Love, hope and the sweet smell of her skin, that’s what I live for now.
Parallel Universe-This is how We Begun
Sometimes when you look back and think about all the things that you have said or talked about with people, you can’t help but feel kind of flabbergasted or rather stupid. Well I can’t speak for the whole world but when I think of my life and way it was some 9-10 months back and when I think about all the stuff I used to talk about and that too with the people, well actually 2 people, whom I later went on to become really good friends with, I can’t help but be baffled or rather astonished. Astonished by my own impertinence like who on earth goes onto explain the theory behind Parallel Universes and that too when I myself have no idea as to what these parallel universes are? What’s more had it just been these parallel universes, I would have kind of, by digging my face deep in the pillow, faced this embarrassment but no, my audacity didn’t even came close to stopping with that. Destiny, love, marriage, afterlife, before life, meaning behind this life, the purpose behind our existence and what not always invariably seeped into our conversations and never even once did she wanted to initiate but she played along, listening, discussing, rebuking and sometimes even begging for me to talk about something else. Never once she complained but, and now when I think about these conversation, I realize that leave alone believe, I didn’t even understood half of the things that I myself used to tell her and I must say we survived because really the last time when I heard myself talking about all that crap, I ended up slapping myself and that too rather too tightly.
Why I talked about all this stuff, well I don’t know and really I am not a funny haired philosopher though my hairs, according to her, sometime do look funny. That apart I think I talked about these things because I didn’t knew what else to talk about with her and despite our inchoate friendship, I always felt as if there was a connection between us that went beyond the conventional acquaintance and I didn’t want to lose her by letting this silence play a spoilsport and I guess I was right at least about this. We did came a long way from parallel universes to sharing even the most inconsequential detail about our lives and perhaps we did owe to these parallel universes for we won’t have been what we are now had it not been for our past.
Sometimes when we are having our arguments, I do miss all of my theories which I so used to philosophize about for she always used to listen with an utmost and rapt attention but then I think the bond between us has grown rather too indelible to see us through any conflict or difference in our opinion and she still listens to me albeit now that happens whenever I have really something indelible to say.
There is a thing about beginnings, they never last that long but nevertheless beginnings give us hope, they inspire us to achieve what we may not even have thought off and what you make out of these beginnings is what that really matters. Parallel universes were how we begin and it’s through this meager beginning that we ended up creating something amazing, something that we both miss, something that we both felt when we sat next to each other. Do we talk about parallel universe; yes we do whenever both of us are in a dire need of a laugh though my eyes still crinkle up in embarrassment. Sometimes I am amazed by her patience and also her courage when she first decided to come see me and given the nature of my crack pot talks, I wouldn’t be surprised if she ever would have felt afraid doing so.
If you ever find yourself in a situation similar to that of mine, don’t be afraid, simply fire off with whatever incomprehensible theories you have for people who like you will always like you despite of all the nuisance and people whom you find waiting after all of your theories have exhausted themselves are really the ones that are worth cherishing for life. Finally a request, if any of you people have a slightest idea as to what the heck these parallel universes are then please do let it be known to me.
StoryTeller: Tale of 2 Stairs and a Tree
The Two Stairs and the Tree
Some stories are just too strange, especially the one’s which are derived from life but could this life be called a story? Perhaps, for like stories it has a beginning and an end but sometimes for some of us life is nothing but an endless concoction of beginnings and endings, we move on from one story to another, from one life to another life. In this moving on and in this flux some of us do find a perfect story that we could hold close to our heart and this is perhaps the difference between life and stories, stories end but life goes on.
I don’t know when it actually happened for some happenings, unlike love stories which have a particular start date, are spread over several instances of time. Well let’s say it happened over several nights and I don’t know what night has to do with relationships but yeah this one blossomed over several of them. There isn’t any love if your hoping for, at least not the kind which most of us seek in life but yeah there are tears and lots of them, a heartbreak which ironically brought them closer, a death which both of them survived, several villains though they were some poor unsuspecting blabber mouthed people who couldn’t have possibly known about the part which they played and yes, last but not the least, two stairs and the tree. Now you would ask me what a tree and two stairs has to do with everything, well nothing actually but then I am the one telling the story and I happen to be in love with those two stairs and that tree.
I am a lousy storyteller as you may get to know for I don’t care much for facts but rather I care for things which I feel and really I am not here writing a year book of some kind, I am here to tell a story. There isn’t much of a story actually, just a collection of several, unostentatious, hardly remarkable coincidences but then some coincidences are meant to be, probably because sometimes coincidences are tied together by an almost diaphanous string called destiny.
Like I said there isn’t much of a story but then I have to begin somewhere and this beginning is what I am afraid of for some stories do not start at the beginning and neither did this one. Did it actually have a beginning I often think and sometimes it’s only after thousands of miles that you discover the people whom you have been walking with. But nevertheless for the sake of story or rather the sake of simplicity let’s take this discovery to be a beginning of some sorts. People meet, they say hello, they meet again, say hi, talk for some time and then they disappear only to meet at some inconsequential juncture in your life and only to repeat the above given sequence. In this story it wasn’t like that, they met but never met, never said hi or hello or how do you do and all this would have been fine had they not known each other, they as a matter of fact knew each other from the time when both of them were pimply and zit ridden teenagers though her pimply phase happen to start much later in life.
Well enough about the beginning, let us just say it begin just like that and just like that they came closer and just like that all those tears, villains, heartbreak and everything else somehow fitted itself in between and just like I said I am a lousy storyteller, I don’t care for facts and really the facts are known to the two people whom the story is about. What I am here to tell you is that there are still something’s in this world which are beyond the conventional definitions, things which go beyond conventionality, things which don’t make sense but still are true for they could make you cry.
It has been a story less story so far and really I have no story as such to tell apart from the story of two stairs and a tree. Let’s say tree is some tree whose big overgrowing branches form a kind of canopy over those two desolate and lonely two stairs and ironically enough neither the tree nor those two stairs would be complete without each other. It’s on these stairs, right underneath this tree both of them sat one day and talked about every god damn movie that has ever been made and in those instants when their eyes never met both of them were lost in a world of their own or probably this world dissolved into a void. This how it all begun, not the story of two friends who found each other but rather the story of two stairs and a tree and in this story at least one of them would be incomplete without the other and it’s in the distance between those two stairs and the tree where all their expectations, aspirations, arguments and promises will thrive. At some point of time both of them must have gotten up to walk along their respective paths, probably they met again and probably things were just as easy as the last time but still one or the other of them always tried to recreate the magic which once they both have felt. Where they able to get where they wanted to, would they as people say be friends forever, is it their destiny to be just friends or does the future holds something more for them? Probably time itself will answer these questions but one thing for sure; you don’t get to fall in love, at least with your own character especially when you are the StoryTeller.
Questions from Here, There and Deep Inside
There is a thing about human psychology; it’s a fun thing when you are evaluating everyone around you but it could get kind of scary or rather disheartening when you use it to put your own actions in perspective. Ever heard that story about a butcher who ended up cutting his own finger off with the same cleaver which he used to mince meat with? Well being your own lives judge is like the weirdest of all things, like it’s ok to look back and evaluate and apply lessons from your past but when these self appraisals drag themselves into your everyday life they literally leave you with a bluest of blue feeling. They just end up stopping you from doing what you want to do because somewhere deep inside your head is a voice telling you why you are feeling what you are feeling and no matter how plausible these reason might be sometimes we just want them to disappear for sometimes we don’t want to know why we feel what we feel. It’s like ok I don’t need reasons as to why I am feeling jealous of a friend who is out there somewhere listening and tapping her feet to some folk music while I am sitting at home watching reruns of Sex and the City and polishing off a bag of Cheetos, and that’s because I know why I am feeling jealous and no amount of reasons could actually alleviate me from my misery. Sometimes it just gets so bad that like someone is texting you and telling you all the fun stories and all those fun stories end up reminding you of everything you miss in your life but you can’t tell this to the other person because if you do you will end up being a spoilsport, if not in the eyes of someone else then in your stupid condescending eyes.
Sometimes it’s actually nice to have all the answers but then sometimes despite of having these answers, your life start to appear almost meaningless. Perhaps because some answers are never complete and you need to peek into someone else’s notebook and I think these answers that we have in our head can only tell us about what we want but where to find that missing piece is something which no amount of introspection can possibly tell us. Some of us do find that missing piece but life is seldom a treasure hunt or even if it is we seldom get to keep every piece for ourselves and sometimes the way we want to posses something in our lives also happens to be the way where we may end up losing what we love the most about that thing.
I remember hearing about a psychiatrist who after failing to look beyond the delusional aspect of marriage decided to seek some action outside the martial premise. Though I really don’t know her or her reasons, may be her husband was indeed a toad or whatever but still the fact that she couldn’t understand all that she was missing in her life, reduces her to a lousy psychiatrist. A friend once asked me why is that people cheat, I couldn’t bring myself to answer this then more so because it was Valentine’s Day and truth sometimes can be just to unsettling but now when I think about it, I realize that people cheat because of the expectations they carry along with them and seldom in life we indeed find a treasure trove.
Life is too zigzagged to be explained by any amount of psychology and really I don’t care what Jung or Freud might have said for as far as I know those guys probably succumbed to their promiscuity or rather the lack of it. One thing that I know is in this life everything couldn’t possibly and cogently be explained more so because life is too long and our brains too pea sized to think about anything that colossal. But still there are things which you know about, things which you feel, things which go beyond the realms of friendship and all that u know just end up suffocating you but still you stand and watch because you know that sometimes getting what we want means losing all that we love about it.
5 Things which We All have heard Women Say
It’s a list though not as exhaustive and endless as I initially thought of it to be and it’s just a list derived from my own observation of our estrogen powered counterparts and though it’s not backed by any scientific or sociological hypothesis but it still is pretty much observationally true. I think that each of us is different in every perceptible way but still at some level I feel given the company that we keep and given the similar circumstances that we all face, we end up feeling or behaving in an almost similar manner (gender, race or bias notwithstanding) though I think when it comes to men it always easy to find a common denominator i.e. either booze or cars or women (or men’s for some) or any other subset of these three. Women are an altogether different creation I would say and it more or less is impossible to categorize them but still given circumstances like philandering boyfriends or unresolved daddy issues or their inherent tendency to play mom, the words that they speak end up sounding almost the same though I wish I could know for myself about the intent with which these words may have been spoken but sadly I am not a psychic though I think X-Ray vision and a red cape would have got me more chicks then any psychic abilities.
First thing that you will hear any girl say has to be “I am not like any other girl” followed closely by an almost similar sounding verse “I am different”. I for one never actually understood as to why this need for individualization is so acute in a female mind and as to why even after following the each word scribbled in Cosmopolitan like verses of bible and wanting almost the same things as any other female in the street, can’t they accept this horrible but yet true fact that they are as well like every else. It’s not saying but rather believing in your identity that makes you different and I believe if you truly are different then words become redundant because in this world of fakeness and make believes, reality always stands out.
Second thing on my list is “I don’t follow fashion” or “What I wear becomes a trend” or “I wear what I like”. Well, don’t we all wear what we like and really if what you wear becomes a trend then how come we never saw you wearing empire cut or skinny jeans in the summer of 2005 and if you don’t follow fashion then why are you not down scavenging the old and used store instead of standing amidst all the sequined tops.
Third most used verse has to be “I have food allergies” or “I have dyslexia or whatever new and exotic disease that movie star has”. One thing which I never understood is how come someone almost miraculously develops an allergy or intolerance and that too in middle age and how you happen to earn a college degree when you are a dyslexic. I am actually waiting to hear someone say that they are suffering from attention deficient syndrome and I sometimes wonder if all this dumb and bimbo behavior which most of the females seem to suffer from is nothing but a ruse made popular by movies such as The Rainman or The Dumb and Dumber.
Fourth most heard remark is “I am manipulative” or “I am least unforgiving of all people” or “I will find your weakness and hurt you where it hurts the most” or “I don’t forget”. Well, none of us can actually forget the wrong done to us but what matters is who goes onto hold the grudge in his heart and who moves on with life and seriously , blessed are those who can forget for it is to them the present belongs. As for the other proclamations, I think when you are with someone you don’t have to work really hard to find their weakness and almost anyone can hit below the belt and get away with it and being manipulative is something which each human being is endowed with.
Finally, the fifth most used one liners has to be “I hate pink” or “I don’t do make up” or “I am not a feminist”. Really, I never can understand as to why girls are aversive to anything which would make them look more like a girl and if women are not going to stand by their feminist ideals then who will. It’s okay to believe in the equality of sexes but still we are not equal and rather than equality I think it’s the coexistence which we should strive for.
Like I said this list isn’t exhaustive and it’s not like we men are without fallacies or fraudulence and I think the above said things apply equally to men’s as well for deep down the circumstances that go into defining the human architecture are the same and lastly despite of my belief in outward beauty, I am not a chauvinist but like they say truth can sometimes as well lead to delusions, so even if you feel as if I am then please deal with it.
A Not So Loving Love Story
It happened on a cold January morning, though I don’t exactly remember which month it was but it indeed was cold, if not on the morning which proved to be harbinger of events to come then at least the night when these events where been narrated to us by my friend who as well happened to be the protagonist of this story. Well, it was just another morning let us say and my friend was walking towards some place with a pail swinging by his side when his wandering gaze happen to fall on a girl sweeping the portico and no she wasn’t a maid but rather the daughter of the house and in that fleeting moment when their eyes would have met, perhaps several stars or planets would have found themselves in an odd alignment so as to rewrite the destiny of two unsuspecting teenagers. This game of making an eye contact and then looking away nonchalantly would have gone for a long time until one day when my friend decided to write his heart content and throw that crumbled ball somewhere where his paramour (to be) could find. Presumably he would have walked for at least a week with that paper in his pocket, trying to garner each day the strength to make that move and presumably he would have ran away like a cat with tail in between his legs, never looking back least someone might caught him in his little act of daredevilry but nevertheless what was meant to be made known was made known and the next morning (which oddly dawned a bit too early for my friend for he couldn’t bring himself to sleep with thousands of what if’s question playing in his mind) came the reply as crumbled and as stealthily as his predecessor has been delivered to the address intended. The content of the reply despite of been written by a hand yet to face the travails of this world, were still wise beyond the wisdom which so willfully seem to desert even the best of us when facing these questions about an everlasting love but if only that denial would have found it’s mark my friend would have been saved from the sounds which a broken heart could make and we for sure would have never heard this story. Things did went on to become a lot more happier and brighter since the last denial and indeed with his feelings out in open my friends couldn’t possibly have lost anything, so he pursued her until all her reservations were melted away and they became to everyone who knew about this clandestine affair, an epitome of a picture perfect couple.
Things conspired and I don’t know what were they for my friend’s voice owing to the alcohol in his veins and the emotions that were wailing up in his eyes has now reduced to staccatos and we too having seen the best one of us cry could not ask him to go anymore. We all moved along with our little game of impromptu truth and dare and completely forgot about that little love story which was rather too true to be a story. Like they say, old forgotten love always finds the most inopportune of moment to reveal itself and if an account of yet another of my friend is to be believed this is exactly what happened but not with my protagonist friend but rather with her paramour who was forced to live a married life along with her husband and a kid. Sometimes, when an institution as overrated as marriage fails to provide you with the love and comfort then whose arms if not that of our ex’s would you turn to, so rest of the story went on with the girl talking behind her husband’s back to my protagonist friend. If it went on for long or is it still on or does the baby belong to my friend, I don’t actually know and neither do I care about either of them, what I am actually bothered about is the fate of the poor husband, the prospect of loving and not loving enough, of marrying a person who pretends to love you every single moment only to sneak behind your back and promise her undying love to someone else has finally done to my notion of having a happily ever after with a girl picked up by my parents what August of 2000 did to Napster. And seriously given the statistics and the way love marriages go haywire I wouldn’t even pin my hopes on them, perhaps this entire institution is worth going to dumpsters but what of love then and what of my hope of finding it in the arms of a stranger, are they worth the same fate or is there indeed some hope for me, I don’t know and I exactly don’t want to know and the reason why I would marry someone apart from having some beautiful kids is yet to become apparent to me.
Love or arranged, it’s all the same, what actually matters is how you make the most of it when given a chance, perhaps not all of us are that unlucky to be cheated behind our backs and if not all then perhaps some of us could have our happy ending but ultimately it’s up to us as to how we make arrangement for keeping a love in a love marriage or how we find love in an arrangement.
The Year that Went By
I started with this blog sometime last night when there still was time and when I still was twenty two but as they say time flies and all that it leaves behind is a fleeting remembrance and these memories are really the most tragic of all things because the moment you think of letting go of them they invariably decide to come and strike you where it hurts the most. One thing that I learnt in the past one year of my life is you cannot simply let go of people in your life, you can walk away, run or hide if you may but still you cannot go about erasing yourself from the minds of people because people have an innate tendency to love and you can call them imbeciles for loving you but that won’t change the fact that the hearts you happen to touch in your lives are the ones which always will held you inside of them. In the past year, I learnt to miss people if not for the sake of belonging then for the sake of the love they have for me because no matter how much you prefer the relative quaintness of your solitude at the end of the day when you are sitting alone all by yourself it sometimes does feel nice to know that there are people who care for you and who think about you.
I went on to lose quite a lot as well but that I think was just pieces of insignificant past or present that were clinging to me and I don’t feel any remorse now, only a tinge of guilt that if only I would have chosen to get my act together any sooner I could have salvaged quite a lot but anyways nothing of it matters and I have indeed learnt my lessons, only thing remaining is to prospect of applying them and putting them in place in my life. I think we all are allowed our own share of people whom we get to know just about anyway be it some weird acquaintance or some equally inconceivable inheritance or an indelible friendship that get forged literally out of the strangeness that exists between two completely unknown and unsuspecting strangers or the kind of friendship which get forged out of familiarity or rather the misunderstood contempt.
Four will be the number of new friends that I have found in the past one year and one of them has to be my iPod and two of them will be reading this so if they haven’t figured out the allusions to the change their presence despite of these distances have brought about in my life then I should probably say thank them now for next birthday is still a long time away and I think friends are never made but rather found because they always are there and the fact that you can meet anyone who could later go on to become an indispensible asset in your life is the most exciting of all life prospects. Another thing which I learnt amidst all the tears and final goodbyes is to value what I have with me right now, the fact that I may never see again the people whom I am with right now is the fact that makes this whole union precious because in case we never meet again I would really like to have something to hold on to in my heart, something that would remind me of them and all the love that they gave to me.
One year and I felt like I have grown, not just in wisdom or in the numbers of lines underneath my eyes but also in the number of years that I added to my life, I have grown from seventeen to seventy odd blogs and yes, these seventy blogs represent the endless thoughts that have grown with me and though I may not be my thoughts but these thoughts certainly are a part of me. I have grown and yes with nature coloring three more hairs of mine to that greyer shade of life I indeed feel old, there may be thousand more roads that I may be travelling and I don’t where they may lead me to but wherever I may be this one year is what that I will hold close to my life.
Life of a Cliche
I think my life is becoming a cliché, cliché not in an existential out worldly kind of way but clichéd as in the definition which I gave in my own constricted, sardonic and conceited universe, it’s not that I don’t care for this world though most of the people whom I know and that comprises of like two people would have a trouble believing that I do think about people other than me for at the end of the day everyone of us needs a crowd of subservience and appreciating audience who look up to you for an inspiration and other worldly advice though ironically this so called other worldly advice is nothing but the most obvious of all things that exist around us and we living in our life’s in a perpetual bubble of solipsism happen to ignore them. Nothing beats that endless feeling megalomania which the mere sight of your so called unsuspecting believer fills you with but sometimes these thoughts can be all too consuming and contemplation I think is one of the biggest of all addiction today because every other obsession springs from it and sadly they as yet have nothing to offer in terms of therapy and given the way almost half of our populace goes onto live a life of preconceived beliefs and notions they actually should offer at least some minimalistic course in how to start thinking or how to make the jelly inside of your head a part of your life but anyways these thoughts could sometime be like a never ending spiral, you start to think and all of a sudden you realize you can’t stop and then these thoughts fill almost every empty space in your life and the trouble is you can’t even rely on them because once you chose to become what your thoughts want you to be they almost always miraculously change and you end up feeling like a stranger inside your own body and believe me it’s not all that of a nice feeling to wake up to a strange face staring at you in the mirror.
All these talks about living life on an edge, always fail to find an audience in me more so because my life with all my thoughts and propensities is rather too big to fit into a split second and to what avail should I give up the relative comfort that the empires within my mind have to offer and it’s not the future I think about for I know what has to come will come and I would have to inevitably face it when it does and no amount of thinking or contemplation could possibly bring about a change in my life which is yet to come, so it’s the past where I delve finding solace in the infinite meanings that I could attach with my actions for in this clichéd life, so full of failed attempts and an insatiable addiction which this contemplative self immolation brings about with it, I think it is all these meanings that would guide my way around the mistakes that I once made in my life. I know how hard I try I may never be able to rectify what I did in my past and on second thoughts I don’t want to rectify whatever that was I did but nevertheless through these meanings I could become what I always meant to for though my thoughts may never be able to change my destiny but my actions certainly will.
