The Debt Repayed
I begged, literally, I tried to sweet talk my way out of this deal but like they say there some people on whom your charms are always lost so here I am fulfilling my end of the deal. What was the deal about, well I don’t actually want to remember, all I remember is the night when it all begun, not the deal obviously but rather this strange and indelible friendship. Four lines into this blog and I am already rummaging for words. Not because I don’t know what to say but rather there is just so much to say and tell that I am afraid if I would ever be able to contain all that in words. How it all started doesn’t matter and really my memory is kind of blurry along those edges but our friendship just simply started or rather came into being from the relative strangeness that exists between two unsuspecting people. We never met, never heard each other voice though I do have voice in my head which I hope would sound pretty much like her but that apart there isn’t an intricacy of my life that she won’t know about. Right from my ceremonious break ups to my current relationship, she knows it all and almost every other night I would wait for that tiny dot against her name to turn green just so I could pour my heart out to her. How can I trust someone and that too so easily, I often wondered but pretty soon as when everything that was in her heart started to pour on my screen, all my doubts disappeared for I just knew that she has conquered the strangeness that I was still trying to battle through. And she is the only one who has always read almost every other word that I wrote and she is one of the best critics that I could ever have had for she understands and knows the real reason behind my melancholic poetry. And now that both of us have so many things going on in our own lives, we may not see or chat with each other that often but I know one day when that grey dot against her name would turn green, both of us would pick up the story right from where we last left; adding newer stories and I for sure crying for the butterfly that I could never catch. And yes I still wonder about this friendship and if any thing in life could ever be this free from expectations and I get no answer but then there is a thing about chemistry which she always had said, you either have it or you don’t.
Parallel Universe-This is how We Begun
Sometimes when you look back and think about all the things that you have said or talked about with people, you can’t help but feel kind of flabbergasted or rather stupid. Well I can’t speak for the whole world but when I think of my life and way it was some 9-10 months back and when I think about all the stuff I used to talk about and that too with the people, well actually 2 people, whom I later went on to become really good friends with, I can’t help but be baffled or rather astonished. Astonished by my own impertinence like who on earth goes onto explain the theory behind Parallel Universes and that too when I myself have no idea as to what these parallel universes are? What’s more had it just been these parallel universes, I would have kind of, by digging my face deep in the pillow, faced this embarrassment but no, my audacity didn’t even came close to stopping with that. Destiny, love, marriage, afterlife, before life, meaning behind this life, the purpose behind our existence and what not always invariably seeped into our conversations and never even once did she wanted to initiate but she played along, listening, discussing, rebuking and sometimes even begging for me to talk about something else. Never once she complained but, and now when I think about these conversation, I realize that leave alone believe, I didn’t even understood half of the things that I myself used to tell her and I must say we survived because really the last time when I heard myself talking about all that crap, I ended up slapping myself and that too rather too tightly.
Why I talked about all this stuff, well I don’t know and really I am not a funny haired philosopher though my hairs, according to her, sometime do look funny. That apart I think I talked about these things because I didn’t knew what else to talk about with her and despite our inchoate friendship, I always felt as if there was a connection between us that went beyond the conventional acquaintance and I didn’t want to lose her by letting this silence play a spoilsport and I guess I was right at least about this. We did came a long way from parallel universes to sharing even the most inconsequential detail about our lives and perhaps we did owe to these parallel universes for we won’t have been what we are now had it not been for our past.
Sometimes when we are having our arguments, I do miss all of my theories which I so used to philosophize about for she always used to listen with an utmost and rapt attention but then I think the bond between us has grown rather too indelible to see us through any conflict or difference in our opinion and she still listens to me albeit now that happens whenever I have really something indelible to say.
There is a thing about beginnings, they never last that long but nevertheless beginnings give us hope, they inspire us to achieve what we may not even have thought off and what you make out of these beginnings is what that really matters. Parallel universes were how we begin and it’s through this meager beginning that we ended up creating something amazing, something that we both miss, something that we both felt when we sat next to each other. Do we talk about parallel universe; yes we do whenever both of us are in a dire need of a laugh though my eyes still crinkle up in embarrassment. Sometimes I am amazed by her patience and also her courage when she first decided to come see me and given the nature of my crack pot talks, I wouldn’t be surprised if she ever would have felt afraid doing so.
If you ever find yourself in a situation similar to that of mine, don’t be afraid, simply fire off with whatever incomprehensible theories you have for people who like you will always like you despite of all the nuisance and people whom you find waiting after all of your theories have exhausted themselves are really the ones that are worth cherishing for life. Finally a request, if any of you people have a slightest idea as to what the heck these parallel universes are then please do let it be known to me.
before i get married
I am staring at my computer screen waiting for an inspiration to strike me. I want to write something and I have no idea as to what that something is. I have spent my entire day with the same feeling of wanting to do something and all I have done is to watch television and sleep. Perhaps it’s because I am getting older and now that I admit it, I want to really do something worthwhile. Getting older is real tough; believe me, each passing day brings with it a nagging feeling. You wake up each day and only to realize that you have actually lived through another day of your life. Each night before I sleep, I promise myself that I would do something worthwhile the next day but then the next day almost miraculously transforms itself into night and all that is left behind is yet another of those nagging feeling’s. It is not that I do not have anything to do and I am not 40 years old either but seeing all these years of my life slip right in front of my eyes really scares me. Sometime not far from now, I would really grow old and will develop wrinkles and my hairs would turn grey but this is not the part that scares me, I am as a matter of fact much more afraid of losing my desirability. Would I cease to be desirable and lovable as I grow old, would all those people who appear to be my friends, still love me? I have no answers for these questions. Perhaps, as I grow up I would find people, whom I could really relate with; they too, like me could be old but this is not what really matters. What actually matters to me is what I am actually able to achieve in all these intervening years.
I have a lot of plans and they are all languishing in some corner of my mind. Like my father said, when I told him my dream of wearing a Tissot T-Touch and buying for myself a really big plasma TV along with a play station, “Son, all of us have dreams and aspirations but very few of us are actually able to live up to those dreams”. My dreams are all about owning things and comparatively easier to fulfill but a lot of people whom I have met, have dreams about making their kids what they themselves couldn’t become or dreams of having a happy and blissful married life. Fulfillment of dreams is really a costly proposition because they require much more than your own commitment. Aspirations could make you dependent on people and people can really let you down. I have dreams and I want to actually live through them and I want to do this before becoming a part of someone else’s dream. I know in a year or 2 when I would start working, I could actually buy myself a Tissot and plasma TV but what about the things that I never thought of, things like marriage and kids and liabilities. Thinking about all this actually gives me jitters, I literally hate kids and marriage is like chaining myself to a tree and really, I do not have 20 years left with me before my parents bundle me up with some dame of their choice. I do not have time and I have to fulfill a lot of my aspirations and sleeping is not going to make me any richer. I do not want to grow old regretting about things that I missed in my life, things like riding a roller coaster or visiting Disney land or gettin **** with as many girls as I could.
Life gives no second chances and as I try to figure out mine, you better start sorting your dreams and while you are at it, please do guys like me some favor by removing us from your dreams and expectations.
