Words
Sometimes I am completely left dumbstruck by the prowess of our words, given that words are nothing more than few keystrokes or a few syllable sounds brought together by semantics and nuances of language, the way they can actually mould the way people perceive about us is breathtaking. Being a person who has never being good with words, saying the dumbest and outlandish of all things in the most inopportune of all moments has been my forte, so much so that people around me have kinds started expecting the unexpected from me. A plausible explanation for this or the one that’s knocking on all doors to my mind could be my fixation or infatuation with the truth, not that I couldn’t go around spinning a yarn of falsifications and saying things people want to hear but I kind of find it easier to state the facts irrespective of how brazen or jaded they may be. I have been good with words, twisting them or manipulating them to get what I want and each time I read something that was once written by me and given that all those words were nothing but a few random words I can’t help but fall in love with myself, if only I could bring myself to remember all the thoughts that go through my head. Anyways, my relationship with the truth springs from my belief that people you love are the ones you should always be truthful to because when you embark on the road to falsifications you can’t help but be enamored by the mendacity of our words, untruth begets untruth, you keep on lying and endlessly so, spinning some cook and bull story to cover up for your previous words and it’s just too much effort remembering the words you said and no matter how much bereft your words are of truth, truth invariably finds a way to creep in and a trivial slip of tongue leads to a flare up worse than an oil well set afire.
Perhaps it’s my relationship with the truth which responsible for the lack of love in my life, not that I cannot lie, I can but desecrating with my lies a feeling as sacrosanct and beautiful as love feels almost sacrilegious to me and I know I am in for a long wait till I find someone with enough humor to take into stride the truth and life the way it is and till then I guess I am back to using euphemisms such as solitude for the loneliness that I sometimes feel.
Love isn’t Easy
Truth isn’t always soothing
Sometimes words that console could break a heart
I made a choice to give you what you wanted
But if only I would have known
These very words would tear us apart.
I told you what you wanted to hear
You may say I lied to you
I admit, what I said wasn’t the truth
But it wasn’t a lie either
You may say I betrayed you
But it was the truthfulness of the untruth
That kept us happy and kept us together
And perhaps, that was all that mattered.
You may choose to leave me
For now you know what I am
But what of the promises of an unconditional love
That you made to me
Were they too empty like my words?
Am I not to be heartbroken now
Because I choose to believe in the truthfulness of your untrue love
What of my trust that you so gladly shattered
I lied to save you from what I am
And believe me, you weren’t any better.
Love was an endless journey
But we couldn’t walk together
Veracity of my lies, brought us close
And finally truth was what that tore us apart forever.
Life, Rain and Heart Breaks
I saw the clouds rolling in today, covering the sky with a shade of evanescent black and infatuating the air with a sweet intoxication. A promise of cooler days hung in the air as they unrolled covering the entire landscape with a whitest of white sheet and all that remained of the glorious sunshine and what would have been a glorious day was just a insouciant and procrastinating feeling, a deliverance from the drudgery and hustle bustle of life as all the so unfulfilled commitments and promises were washed away to join the muck and toads in the overflowing gutter. I stared at rain and there was deep longing inside of me, longing which would have otherwise infused in me an infinite sense of melancholy but all that I wanted to do know was to wrap myself in a blanket and sip through a glass of hot chocolate. Had my dad been at home he would have cried out loud for a cup of tea along with some deep fried savories but with him falling prey to finance minister’s loan waiver policy all I had to comfort myself was a cup of almost milky white tea with enough cardamom, ginger and pepper to cook a gourmand meal, it’s for your throat son that’s what my mom said to dupe me into drinking that heady concoction. Rain always had a way to make me sad, perhaps it’s because of claustrophobia and the poignancy of being holed up in my house but then rain or no rain I am almost always holed up in my house, perhaps it’s not my loneliness rather a sense lovelessness that these clouds infuse into me, perhaps it’s the warmth of someone body against that of mine that I want to feel. It’s been like years since I last felt that warmth, sitting all cuddled up with fingers entwined and staring at the vast open sky, drenched in the silence of words with emotions running high, perhaps this is what rain means to me and this what it’s reminiscent of.
I sat there staring at that thick curtain, with a garden snake, two centipedes and a toad for company, holding on to my mug of tea for warmth and crying silently hoping for these heavenly ablutions to wash away my pain. Rain is excruciatingly hard for loners but sometimes pain is all you need to remind you of the wrongs you have done in life and believe me don’t ever let go of the love if you ever find some in your life for I know what it feels to walk in the rain to disguise the tears in your eyes
Life, Social Networking and Hip Hop
It’s been quite a time, long time in fact since I sat down and thought about the life and the way it’s going for me. Life is good if you ask me, better than what it has ever been for me, and apart from few hiccups it has more or less been a smooth sailing. Sometimes I am filled with sense of an impending doom and it’s easy to feel queasy when everything in your life happens to progress in the most expected of patterns. I am not really a stickler for certainty and I am almost hapless when it comes to predicting things though I do have a weird system of dreams or rather nightmares which quite often have turned out to be true, so much so that now I find it incredibly difficult to forget what my subconscious have been up to all night and believe me nothing is more scary than reliving your dreams. If I could I would very much want my life to a capricious concoction, something unpredictable, something hair raising and mind numbing, something for more profound but yet something subtle and simpler. Life for me is all about being awake, life is state of mind, a state where in you are alive enough to feel and appreciate all the love and energy that’s flowing around you, life is about doing your own thing and doing it your way, it’s not the correctness of our actions that matters but rather the verity and morality of what we do that sets us apart but what we actually fail to understand is the uniqueness that has been endowed to each one of us and in our attempts for perfection we end up living our lives like androids, mass produced and preprogrammed. We live in a world the shuns theory for pragmatism, the world where experience is far more important than the deeper awaking, the world that feeds itself by manipulating the ego’s and desires of people by showing them false pictures of a Shangri la which never exists and we destitute of destiny are deluded by the words of these soothsayers and fortune tellers into believing that a so called 42 inch plasma television will give us happiness that nothing in this world has as yet offered, we live in the world where the number of friends on your FaceBook account determine your social likeness and desirability and basking in the mendacity of this virtual world we start responding to our sobriquets forgetting what we actually are.
I am digressing and within these digressions and my derisions towards this futile and farce social networking scenario, lies the answers for many of our lives problems, we as a generation have changed but in what ways this need to answered, do we value social contact more than a virtual one or whether our material wealth is just a cover for the moral depravity of our society, are similar in our dissimilarities or are we are just replica’s of some hip hop artist with ultra low slung jeans and enough bling to put even Arab Souks to shame. The choice is ours what we want to be, we could be a fickle and go along with the life or we could chose fidelity and become what everyone else is.
Life and Campus Placements
I had my campus interview yesterday, not my first one though and it feels like it’s not going to be my last one as well. Result is supposed to be around anytime now and so far I have done really well to keep my sanity intact, I have literally locked myself in my room and my IPod is engaged in an endless tussle with my eardrums, tussle which will either end with me going deaf or my darling IPod going dead. Life is strange, it always finds the most inopportune of all moments to flash before your eyes, imagine having a déjà vu with while being drilled by the interviewer, who just by the virtue of a company tag looping around his noose thinks he can get better of me. Well ironically enough he did and all I could was to provide answers for each of his whims, I did good I know but not as good enough as I could have or good enough to boast to everyone. While I was sitting outside the interviewer chambers waiting for him to call my name, I had a sense of infinite sanguinity filled inside me, people say you are supposed to be feeling nervous and have butterflies flying amok in your stomachs but only thing that I felt was the brevity of the moment that was with me, moment that I would have lost had I chosen to panic and cry for things that haven’t actually happened. I walked inside the room with a smile because I knew irrespective of the fact that I may be getting thrown out of this room that I have actually lived through the moments that I have had and I walked out with my head held high for I did what I was supposed to be doing, I did what I was meant to do. I may fail but I will fail because I chose to be myself and not because some stupid HR didn’t deem me fit.
What will come will come and I will face it when it does and I am far more stronger than what these people can throw at me.
